0318 hrs

If you don't love me please don't hurt my feelings anymore.
If you don't love me please don't lie to me anymore.
If you want to walk away, please make it smooth and no pain.
If you hate me, you can tell me directly.
If you angry with me, please tell me why.
If you want me to go away, please tell me.
Stop scolding me everyday. Stop being so cold. Stop. Please stop. I cried a lot. I cried everyday. I cried before I go to sleep. I am in pain. I am not happy. Please, stop hurting me.

I treat you nicely, but why did you treat me like this?
It's you who choose me at the first place.
It's you who begged to me to accept you.
It's you who chased me first, wanting me to be your lover.

But it's you who walk away first.
It's you who cheated on me.
It's you who leave me when I need you the most.
You put scars on my heart and you make the wound open again, it's bleeding again :(

It's bleeding again and I am badly injured.
All I want is to be healed.
I want to be happy.
That's all




It had been months since you went far away from me.
It had been months since you changed to a different person, the one that I never knew.

You and I were apart by distance, by different time zone, and sometimes every single day, this makes me feel sick.
I cried everyday (Not everyday actually, but still I can count the days that I didn't cry). The fact that I miss you every single second tears my heart into small pieces, because I know that I'm the only one who feel like this. I know that you already moved on, adapting your life to the new environment there. You looks so happy, and comfortable. I am happy for you, ofc. Watching you enjoying your life to the fullest makes me feel happy too, but I feel very lonely, I can't lie to myself, that I am so sad.

It's like a nightmare for me, because I never thought that this would happen... You feelings are faded day by day, and I'm still here waiting for miracle to happen and brings you back to me. The chances are like 30% positive and 70% negative but as long as the probability is there, can I just wait for you? Can I?

I know that this is stupid, but hey, you know how loyal I am :(

I miss you. so bad.




19.10.2016 [Wed]

I rarely update my blog since i left my high school. Plus, i deleted all the old post from my blog just because I want to start fresh and new.

I'm going to be 20 soon. and what i really wish from my birthday is good health, no more bad days or unlucky me, no more rejection from the people that I love, no more sad things that always be on my surrounding, no more NEGATIVITY. just no more okay.

I know it's quite impossible to be that way, because this life is always turn upside down like the roller coaster. Nothing can be constantly upwards and nothing can be downwards all the time.

But I believe, that someday, all the pain that i managed to get through this whole year will be paid with something sweet and meaningful. This is how i accept my life, or more accurate is my bad luck.

I try so hard to change myself, to be better, to be more positive and yes, to be more busy so that I won't fall down again. I don't want to cry anymore. This heart already tired and what I need right now is happiness. Only happiness.

Rejection is painful, but It taught me to be strong.
Heartbreaks is too common in my life until I doesn't feel anything about it anymore.
But I'll be sad if that person are humiliating me in front of other people or HIS FRIENDS ofc.
Someday people will know the truth.


it's not fair looking you so happy and enjoying your 24 hours there at London, while I'm the one who always sad here.

It's not fair and I'm going to change it soon.
I'll make you regret all these things.

For sure you will.